I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
