You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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