i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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