if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
