How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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