I love black thongs
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
