I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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