I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize