five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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