What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize