wat bout pragnant strippers??
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I have feelings that need drinking.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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