I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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