I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
