Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
