Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
