I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
