When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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