I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
