You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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