my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
