We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize