I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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