Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
