How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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