btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
