I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
