I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
