I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
