Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
