TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
