A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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