He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
