If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize