If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
