I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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