I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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