At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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