I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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