My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
