woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
