He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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