My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
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