Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
