Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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