Your dad touched me again.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize