you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
