Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
