Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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