omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
That was before I lit my hair on fire
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
