I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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