Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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