alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
