do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
