I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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