I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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