We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I love you. Go after that dick
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
