He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
