Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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