Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
