My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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