thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
