sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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